Its time.....

 My Daughter is now 29. She has had a look at her Biological family, Learn how things can change fast and Is getting to be a better person.

When she was 16 she wanted to find her biological family. Of course the social platform at the time Sped up the process and caused the 18 year Court rule to go out the door. We trying to stop her until she was 18 but that would  not work cause she would have just gone by herself to met them. Knowing how that  would have not been a safe option., We decided to set it up and take her. Yes is caused turmoil in the family.

I would say there was about 5 Years of grief on us, Today we are better. However, 2 years ago She decided to move out to where they lived and Stay with them. Got a Job and it did not go well. Ended up she had to leave there fast and move back East. As far away as she could. 

So sometimes and grass is not greener on the other plain. learning that folks are not what they portray online on even in texts.

Adoption has many phases and some are not pretty. Building  an adult relationship is harder then some folks or books tell you. Even though teen years are a challenge to parents, we feel that adopted children and parents have a different dynamic. Dealing with other influences of folks you do not even know. Plus the child trying to figure out what happen that a family would just give up the baby. The person wanting to know where they fit in.

PTL that our child has matured enough to know that life was good for her and that she was in the best place to be raised. Some time we have no idea what a single decision can make in once life .

2019 Update on Daughter: 6 years after the Meet and Greet.

It has been  awhile for me to adjust to the idea of my daughter having a relationship with the Birth Family. Still not comfortable with it. Even though she had assured me that I am still her Mother and always will be.  The emotional side of me is in torment.

Adoption was not an easy process in the 80's and 90's. We did not have a open one. I did agree to send pictures til the age of 2. After that no contact. The problem came when the Social media came in the picture. The child and birth parent had an easier time to skip the court and option agency request to find the child. The age of 18 to start went out the window.

As we know, because of our own lives. The teens are a rough time in our lives. It is a time of  Independence of the child. Usually nothing that  the parent can say will be accepted by the child. Most are Strong headed. So, in order to have some control we agreed to a meet and greet. That was a very bad mistake. We were told by some case workers not to do that. Being a case worker myself I knew it wasn't a good thing. However Teens tend to runaway to do the things they want. It can also destroy adoption parent relationships.

It has been  6 years since the first Meet and Greet. She is still in contact with them. What has changed is that I told her I didn't want to hear anything about them. Unless I asked. I did remove her from all social media as my friend. it was too much to see all the interactions between them. One thing I kept is the Private Messenger . I was fine with that. She wanted me to add her back as friend but I just can not. For me the stress is to high. Besides do we really want to know everything the adult child is doing? It is like being a parent of a small child again! No privacy for the adult child.

We talk every day and are creating a adult Mother Daughter relationship. I have accepted that she is an adult and not my  little girl anymore. We still have issues of course, However they are not any different than a  biological parent and  child. I had mine with my Mother. I did learn a lot from her ( my Mother). I am trying to help my daughter grow and mature into a great women.

We Love her very much. I would  not change anything we did for her.  This was a growing experience. If anyone says the adoption is  easy, It is not. There are things that you will go through that biological families will not. One should be prepared for them. I thought I was and found out I was not. Had to rethink my plan to handle it.

I think it will be Okay. Realize that there will always be another family involved with the child.

I did write some things is the previous posts. You should read them to understand  some of the events.

Looking Forward

Well It has been a little over a year since Our daughter has been in contact with her birth parents. I must say it has not been a very rewarding experience.
One thing about learning of your birth parents is the back baggage they carry. It amazes me how much they hang on to the past. I realize that their live has been altered the moment the child is given up. Do not claim to understand the feelings they have for the months and years to follow. However  One would think that when the time comes to reunite, there would be a sense of achievement. When the child is in sound mind and a pretty good child. Caring ,thoughtful and does not carry a grudge against them.

Another thing I have a hard time understanding is Why is it that the feeling to drag the adopted child into their family saga, or in other-words;Now that she is there she is suppose to know everyones reason for doing things. Maybe it because she is so caring the considerate that folks think she is now their monarch.

The birth mother seems to be loving and caring and just wants a friendly friendship. Doesn't seem to drag her into things. However the rest of the family seems to want a different relationship.  Birth father seem to want to get info about the birth mother family, For some court thing.

I do not think it is a healthy relationship when some are causing what should be a joyous time to be a nightmare. Even if the BF did not want to give up the child, there should be a relief that the child turn out great. 

I am so glad we have a wonderful daughter and continue to support her in her life journeys. However this is a sad time for us. To see her caught up in these other families saga. Something I never wanted her to have to go through.

When the process comes full circle

We adopted a baby from a home for unwed mothers 19 years ago. One thing we decided to do was to tell the child of the adoption. Never wanting the child to think we lied to her. How much do we tell her depended on her age and the question as well as our knowledge.

Never thought the technology would be so advanced. Today it is so easy to find ones Birth Parents. Just go online and type in "Looking for birth Parents". There are so many sites and on one there might be a birth parent looking for their baby.

Yes this is the way it happened to us. Our Daughter was 18 and decided to look for them. On a site she found someone and they knew her given name and information that only the birth parent would know. The information started to follow between them.  Our daughter told us about the lady. She also had me check on some things, just  to make sure this was her.

 I called the Adoption agency to make sure this was indeed the lady. Once it was verified we began the process all arranging  a meeting. Our ideal time and my daughters did not match. So we compromised and choose a date and place.

The place was a neutral place. A city that was close enough for them to travel to. A time that would work out for all of us.  Because of her age we and the adopting agency did not feel it was a good idea to have her go by herself. We meet the birth mother and her family in January 2013. Yes it was hard for my husband and I. Wanted to be supportive but knowing that this would change our world as we knew it.

We talk with the birth Mother and got to know her family some. There was lots of tears and despair.
Now this is still hard on the family. Not only on mine but also on the Birth families. Our daughter meet her birth father last month. We were not with her, however her Birth Mother was. I stayed in contact with our daughter the whole time.

 I am creating this blog so that I can share my feeling  on this part of the journey. There really isn't any books on this end of the adoption process. It is so hard to go down this uncharted road. So many changes happening. Understanding ones view just might prepare another one for this side of the adoption journey.